Random Jottings

A double bed is one in which
Every time you move a-
Bout you feel an angry twitch
And lose a bit more duvet.

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Another convicted serial killer is reported to have found God. Which may be great for the serial killer, but we’ve yet to hear what God thinks about it.

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POLITICIAN: ‘We need a grassroots policy on lawns.’

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I love it when in an old book you come across a phrase to which the passage of time has added a new meaning. It’s like all those Jane Austen characters who keep ‘exposing themselves’. Recently, in Allan Quatermaine by Rider Haggard, I found this comment on the benefits of a good night’s sleep: ‘It’s like going to bed one man and getting up another.’

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Newspaper ad: COSMETIC SURGERY SPECIAL ON CHINS − TWO FOR ONE OFFER.

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We prepared the Greek salad earlier. By the time our guests arrived, it was a feta compli.

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Cast your bread upon the waters, and it will come back soggy.

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No one but a fool ever crossed Enid Blyton. She knew where the Noddies were buried.

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The rationale of the stripper: ‘We all have our crotches to bare.’

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ACTOR: I’ve just been cast as William Tell. It is a Swiss role.

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He had been meek all his life, and went on waiting quietly for the day when he would inherit the earth.

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I’ve suddenly realised that ‘hutzpah’ rhymes with ‘footspa’. Is it worth writing a whole musical to get in that one rhyme?

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It‘s a bit like my idea for an alcoholic‘s version of Through The Looking Glass. I couldn’t get any further than ‘“Curaçao and Curaçao,” said Alice.’

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Then there’s the fact that the hotel chain ‘Mövenpick’ sounds uncannily like the name of the English author of Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake. But opportunities for the right context to arrive in which one could dazzle people with that particular pun could be few and far between.

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Depression is like picking at your own scabs and then chewing what you’ve picked off.

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For no very good reason, I was trying to think of a fictional name for one of the new wave of Scandinavian Noir crime writers. I came up with Turgid Glümsdottir.

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Q: What shall we drink to?
A: Excess.

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EPITAPH ON AN AIR HOSTESS

Here lies a girl whose duties were
(Before Death’s Pilot summoned her)
Sidling up and down the aisle
With plastic trays and plastic smile
And serving, with each plastic meal,
Her plastic-packaged sex appeal.
But now her final flight’s begun.
Her eternal safety belt’s undone
And, as her drinks were, so is she.
Now, forever, duty free.

The extremely aristocratic but extremely thick Blotto and his extremely brainy sister Twinks are attending a weekend house party when the inevitable happens. Their hostess, the Dowager Duchess of Melmont, is murdered. An amateur detective, conveniently staying for the weekend, deduces that the Lyminster family chauffeur Corky Froggett must have done it. For Blotto and Twinks, the only way to prove Corky's innocence is by finding the real perpetrator. So begins the second investigation for the daring duo... one which takes them via an opium den in Limehouse, a Welsh mansion and a Scottish castle, to a thrilling final confrontation at the nerve-centre of the evil League of the Crimson Hand. Yes, Blotto and Twinks are back for a second adventure!